“We are a family” – why workplace language matters and can lead to poor mental health
The cult I grew up in was called The Family.
It elicited the notion that we were all in this together, that the collective came first before anything else and that we would sacrifice our own wellbeing in the name of the shared mission in front of us. We were persuaded that we had everything we needed to survive right here and to want anything else was to be at risk of losing our livelihood or worse, losing our sense of purpose and belonging - triggering that primal instinct that will have us compromise on our values if it means survival.
Yes the mission for me and my generation was saving the world, preparing for Armageddon and being trained to be soldiers sacrificing our personal identity now for rewards in the afterlife later.
This may all seem a bit drastic when compared to the workplace today, but hear me out.
If the documentary on WeWork is anything to go by, this language can cover up a variety of toxic behaviours and simply be a desperate attempt to keep talent stuck in the delusion that everyone just hopes will be true eventually.
While I am all for a sense of team, belonging and connection at work which I believe can enhance good mental health the crucial additional ingredients to make this work are transparency, vulnerability and psychological safety. Without those core values that are alive in practice, the notion of team can become toxic, slowly ensuring diversity of thought is squashed, mistakes are hidden and masks begin to firmly be worn for the sake of the public relations of the company.
Language matters when it comes to purpose, mission, values and belonging - and this includes how you frame your team. Calling a workplace a family can mean many things to different people and can bring in triggers based on idealised versions of family or toxic family dynamics which, let's face it, many of us have been part of.
So how do you know if your workplace is toxic and using words like ‘family’ as a ploy to keep you firmly stuck in the matrix?
There’s an us-vs-them attitude
We are amazing, everyone else is cr*p. You’re lucky to be here, we’re part of something special. We may not pay you well but hold on to the dream because the rewards are always just around the corner. You may even have a special nick-name connected to your workplace - Nooglers from Google, Metamates for the metaverse, or Dropboxers etc.
You are asked to trade your values for those of the collective
Lots of we language is used without much true collaboration with the individual. We feel like this, our mission is such-and-such, our passion is XYZ and slowly there is less and less challenge of approach, values or thinking.
With ‘rewards’ such as free booze, pizza or ping-pong in the office, you trade in your time outside for more and more time working and enhancing the collective at the expense of your own mental health.
Dissenters are made an example of
People who disagree are maligned or made examples of. Rumours of things like burnout ‘they just couldn’t hack it’, addictions 'it's really sad that they let themselves go’ or disappearing ‘they betrayed us, this is what happens if you can’t stay focussed on the mission’ giving off an implicit threat that to think differently or be negatively affected by the environment will become a you problem and you’ll be cast out.
Does this apply to you? Are you slowly feeling your breath catch in your chest and your words catch in your throat? Were you filled with energy and drive but now burnt-out and emotionally exhausted but feel like you can’t really say anything for fear of losing your place in the family? oes this now feel like a you problem whereas any wins generate collective praise?
If you notice any of these signs in your workplace then it’s worth saying a few things to help you assess next steps. There is a whole world out there. There I said it!
People in a family forget that there are millions of opportunities outside of the expectations and pressures they find themselves in. There are many ways to not only survive but to actually thrive in the world of work. Your mental health and physical health matter more in the grand scheme of things than anything else and that includes your family, your salary and mission. Your mission can evolve and you have more say over your environment than you might think - and that could mean trying to change things from within first off and if your confidence is eroding or mental health is suffering, then sometimes it’s best to use your energy to carve a new life for yourself.
While work colleagues can bring a sense of belonging and a shared sense of purpose, be sure you can challenge thinking and be yourself, ultimately with the decision to leave if the environment no longer serves you and allows you to grow and develop into your best self.
In a world of change, acquisitions and restructures - even if your job worked for you in the past, take time to reflect on what’s in your sphere of influence if things are changing and sense check the language being used to influence how you feel - and crucially, challenge groupthink and live a life that’s healthy for you.
